Paul, Some new stuff for yea…
A Sociopath Mother! > click here
The sociopath mother is no June Cleaver. She is much more like Game of Thrones’ Cersei Lannister. Granted, she’s excellent at emulating June Cleaver. Typical of a sociopath, this mom can morph into any persona that suits her in a given moment. When others are watching, she launches into Supermom. She dotes, she encourages, she loves, she attends. She provides the snacks at the end of the soccer game. Everyone loves SuperJune.
Then, when the game is over and the family is back home, Cersei returns. She doesn’t need SuperJune because no one is around to entrap as future tools of manipulation.
Far from being a nurturing, loving attachment figure, the sociopath mother is a cold, abusive, frightening figure representing chaos and emotional distance. She ignores and she neglects. She controls and manipulates; to the sociopathic mother, her child isn’t a person in his own right but a possession that exists to serve her. She uses insincere, shallow affection to manipulate. She hardly praises or encourages, but she lavishes the child with verbal abuse and punishment.
Society’s norms mirror our biological wiring: mothers are designed to nurture and protect, so when they don’t, the results are devastating to the child.
Sociopaths drag their families into the con
Sociopaths will manipulate anyone. Let me repeat that. Sociopaths will manipulate absolutely anyone, including mom, dad, brothers, sisters—anyone. One way that this happens is the sociopath gets his or her family—knowingly or not—to participate in the victimization of the target.
Lovefraud received an e-mail from Rod in Nebraska. Rod’s daughter had been targeted by a sociopath. In his e-mail, he wrote the following:
One thing that I do believe should be approached about a sociopath is his ability not only to control his victim, but also his family. The sociopath works his family to the extent that he manipulates his immediate family into believing that none of his problems in life are his fault and consequently the blame falls on the one he wooed into a relationship. In this manner he deliberately cons his family into enabling him in his behavior. Oh, poor guy, the world is against him, he has a seizure disorder and has the gout. Thus concluding my opinion that he controls his universe and his family’s.
There are parents who continually bail out their sociopathic children—even as grown adults. There are family members who continually acquiesce to the sociopath’s demands, maybe just to maintain the peace.
Sometimes the families are just as clueless as everyone else. They don’t understand the sociopath’s behavior, but they feel family members are obligated take care of each other. They believe the sociopath when he or she blames the victim for whatever is going wrong.
Other times, the family members are sociopathic themselves—the risk of developing this personality disorder is genetic. So they see absolutely nothing wrong with predatory behavior.
So to escape, the victim must often stand up to not only the sociopath—which is difficult enough—but the sociopath’s entire family as well.
The all in the family sociopath
A reader writes about his sociopathic family tree and what he believes led to his own sociopathic traits:
As a high functioning, truly, highly intelligent sociopath (well aren’t we all) I…. “enjoyed” your book.
I figured out years ago I was a sociopath. I have a brother who is so the definition of “narcissistic personality disorder” his picture should be next to the definition in all books. I personally always classified him as a “psychopath” as opposed to my “sociopath”.
Our early lives we moved every few years. Dad was in the military. My brother and I came from an abusive household. I the black sheep, and he the “good” brother. I was physically, mentally and emotionally abused. Mom as well. Little brother got his fair share of the latter two as I recall. Dad never broke any bones. Never left bruises where people could see them. His intention, His terror, was part of his Standard Operating Procedure (SOP) for us. I could see the overall methodicalness of it even as a young child. Keeping us off balance with random acts of kindness and random (or expected acts) of terror. Molding us into what he wanted us to be at the time. Clarity comes with hindsight, I know now that in many ways I had a good teacher. He was a highly intelligent, highly functional man who worked a Top Secret job for the government. He’s gone now, not that he’d have spoken to me about it, but with what I now know, I’m certain he was in that APD spectrum somewhere.
Dad not only taught me the “ways and means” of dealing with the sociopathic tendencies, but the “ways of terror” as well. Mental, emotional, physical, all fair game in our household growing up. I always found the physical violence far to easy (I’m a big guy and can physically dominate most people easily enough) and prefer the mental and emotional manipulations more; more of a challenge. More “fun”. Anyone can physically MAKE someone do something (say with a gun if nothing else), but manipulating them into WANTING to do it, far, far more satisfying.
I have really never had much of a chance to actually discuss the intimate details of our “disorder” with another sociopath. All us “APD” people have similarities. A few of the similar SMALL details however, of our (yours and my and perhaps others)”condition”, “blew” me away.
The fake accent. Mine is a non-specific southern accent, “blunted” by many years of living in the Midwest; or so it sounds. Seems to instantly set people at ease. “He’s just a good ol’ boy.” Hearing the consonants roll off your tongue. Funny enough, I used to do the “non-specific European” accent and dropped it for the “non-specific southern” accent, as it was proving to be far more useful and continues to be. I wonder if this is due to our “chameleon” abilities or is there some other underlying mental process that makes us change our speech?
The “sharp tooth”. Wow. Such a small detail, but on the mark. Likely due to our “sensation seeking”. Had anyone bothered to ask, I could have told them 20+ years ago I was a dopamine junkie. I truly believe we do not produce enough dopamine, which causes us to live our lives constantly searching for some sort of stimulation, so for a brief moment we can have “peace”. “Feel”……”Normal”?
There were a few other small details as well that I did not expect. Playing drums and living in bad neighborhoods being two of them. Makes me wonder how much of the “us” we have is really us, not just a response to our expressed genetic heritage. I’d be curious at how many others you’ve communicated with have similar “accents”, “sharp teeth”, are good at keeping a beat and live in bad neighborhoods.
I have delved into BDSM for quite a while now. Yes, surprise-surprise, I’m a Dom. Choking, pain, asphyxiation; all can certainly be “fun”. Knives are “fun” as well.
The sexual “deviancy” and attraction to the BDSM world is more common among APD people I’ve noticed. As well as MANY other mental disorders it seems. A fertile playground. Not without its downside. I’ve had two stalkers in the last 10 years who didn’t take kindly to me just dropping them from my life. Of course what really happened was I decided it was over, and manipulated them into either leaving or stepping over the “line” and doing things there was no coming back from. That cost/benefit analysis can be a bitch sometimes. Mostly for others.
In this day and age of sarcasm and violence, I often just speak the truth now. Just like the person you quoted in your book. People think I’m joking. At worst, I have a slightly “off” or “dark” brand of humor. “What are you thinking?”, she asks. “I’m wondering what kind of noises you’d make if I held you down and bit a chunk out of your shapely ass.” She laughs. I was telling the truth.
I’m really not sure why I’m writing this email. Certainly curiosity. I have never shared this information with anyone.
In some way perhaps its comforting to know I’m not alone in my “uniqueness”.
20 EXTREMELY Brutal Signs You’re In Love With A Narcissist
They’re perfect. Unlucky you.
Confident, charismatic, and overwhelmingly charming, there are few who can compete with a narcissist when it comes to making a fantastic first impression. There are those who can see through the mask and those who can’t. The latter will learn the hard way.
More than simply someone who likes to look in the mirror and talk about themselves, narcissists are master manipulators with a strong objective to objectify and a inability to empathize. These men and women will do every possible thing they can to suck every last ounce of dignity and security out of their partners. And a relationship with them can be more than painful — it can be downright dangerous.
Here are 20 signs you might be dating a narcissist (only a professional can say for sure), and the many ways they’ll ruin your life.
1. They’re often super-attractive.
Even if they aren’t Johnny Depp “gorgeous,” their confidence, charm, and ability to “own a room” is an initial turn-on. Until, of course, you’re in your 30th conversation where you’re being dominated, condescended, and shocked by their arrogant peacocking.
2. They mistake kindness for weakness.
Anyone who has ever found themselves pleading with a narcissist knows that the kinder you are, the meaner they become. These folks feel entitled to be cruel and will even go so far as to congratulate and brag about their ability to “cut people out,” be “harsh,” and humiliate others. You may hear these kinds of statements slowly in the beginning, but because they’re so “wonderful” in other areas at the time, you may write them off as situation-specific, or think you’re misunderstanding them. You’ll only really understand how serious of an issue this is during the discard phase, when their lack of empathy comes out in its most concentrated form. Victims will be treated in such a dismissive manner, and with such brutality that many will be left feeling they had to have caused it as no normal human being would ever respond that way over something so small or “nothing”. That’s the point you need to hold onto. No “normal” human being would.
3. They say you’re perfect … until you’re not.
Narcissists are masters of “love bombing,” which is “an attempt to influence a person by lavish demonstrations of attention and affection.” In the beginning of your relationship with them, they will text you constantly, want to see you as much as possible, and tell you all the things you want to hear: you’re perfect, you’re an “angel from heaven,” you’re extremely smart, and so on.
They do this to make you dependent on them, while also testing your boundaries. Are you going to back away or go with it? Will you reciprocate and follow suit? This shows them how much self-confidence you have and how strong you draw a line in the sand. Once they discover that you’re human, holy devaluation, Batman! You’ll not only be told the opposite, but you’ll be punished for your “imperfections,” which are often exaggerated and sometimes non-existent projections.
Punishment often includes terrible statements meant to degrade, demean, humiliate you, or stonewall you (not allowing you to express yourself). They withhold affection, and of course, give you the infamous narcissistic misericorde, the “silent treatment.” They may even spread nasty rumors about you behind your back.
4. They’re incredibly jealous of others.
Successful and happy? Good looking and confident? Have a lot of friends or a great cook? You’re screwed. Remember the business card scene in American Psycho? The narcissist I was with told me he related to that scene as though it was perfectly normal.
Narcissists also tend to be very jealous partners but only because, in their mind, you’re a mere extension and a source of narcissistic supply, which they need to keep close and under their control. They will often be very threatened by any success or attention you receive for fear they will lose access to said supply and either react with anger or faux caring. Don’t make the mistake in thinking it’s you they want; it isn’t. It’s your attention, good or bad. That’s it.
5. They’re prone to cheating.
Will they forgo narcissistic supply in order to protect your feelings, which they don’t understand, relate to, or care about? Guess how that one goes. Hell, they may even do it just to hurt you.
6. They use sex as a weapon.
They may watch porn, cheat, and think they’re God’s gift to the world, but because of their disdain for intimate connections, many narcissists prefer masturbation to sex with another person. They’re known to make their partners go without sex as a way to frustrate, punish, and even humiliate them (out and out, choosing porn over sex with them and letting them know).
According to Dr. Sam Vaknin, a self-confessed narcissist and author of Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited, all narcissists abhor intimacy and use sex as a weapon. Somatic narcissists “masturbate with partners” whereas cerebral narcissists, males in particular, despise women and view sex with them as a “chore.” Cerebrals only have it on occasion to keep their source of supply (their partner) from leaving them.
7. They’re big on threesomes.
No, not those kinds. Narcissists love to set up “triangles” where their partners feel “at odds” with someone else, and jealousy and fighting for love and attention can ensue (ah, the supply!).
This could be with an ex, a mother, or a friend, but the point is to make sure they’re at the center of attention and desire. This is known as triangulation and it’s meant to make you feel insecure, undesirable, and keep you anxious and “on your toes.”
8. They’re Einstein and you’re an idiot.
Not really, of course, but narcissists truly believe they’re the only people left on earth who know anything, maintain any culture or sophistication, or are capable of having a rational thought. Whatever you think, they will challenge and take it five steps further to make sure you’re sufficiently exhausted and give up just to shut them up.
9. They’re all about control.
Because of their need to feel powerful and special, narcissists tend not to engage in situations they cannot control. They’re on a constant quest for narcissistic supply, which means that everyone they come in contact with is seen as an extension of themselves, thus under their control and used as a means to an end.
Narcissists often charm and build up those with big titles, and those who showcase low self-esteem (the first offers access to supply, while the second often offers an excess of it). Anyone the narcissist can’t compete with or control is devalued immediately.
Note: All will be devalued eventually.
10. They rage — a LOT.
We’re not talking about a little tantrum here and there, but full-blown, burn-the-proverbial-house-down rages that often include seriously hurtful comments meant to demean, degrade, and devalue whomever they’ve decided has criticized them. And make no mistake, everything can be seen as criticism, including being told they’ve hurt you.
You think you’re sharing information to build a better relationship, whereas they think you’re deceiving them. Yes, you read that correctly. When you tell a narcissist that you’re hurt or have any point, really, they won’t concede or agree with you (even if you’re right).
Instead, they’ll assume you’re trying to get one over on them. They are, in fact, perfect and superior, so the very idea that they would do anything wrong, such as “hurt” someone else, is unfathomable to them.
11. They lie. About everything.
It could be something small about their favorite TV show as a child or big like promising to be faithful, but narcissists aren’t big on telling the truth, mainly because it’s not that interesting (they’re pretty dull people at the core). They will pretend to be into everything you’re into, so much that you may find them repeating your words as their own to others.
12. They often have this weird giggle.
It’s something only someone who has engaged a narcissist really understands, but they will almost laugh at themselves in quick, manic, awkward giggles. It usually happens when they’re telling some kind of overblown story and are sharing how they were “above” someone in some way.
The narcissist I knew burst into laughter when friends and I were discussing another friend’s cancer diagnosis. When I stared at him in disbelief, he became full of rage and said, “What? I was thinking about a Balderdash question!”
13. They’re obsessed with their reputation.
A narcissist has plenty of fantasies about love, power, adoration…and paranoia surrounding being “found out.” This often leads to them threatening partners they’ve betrayed, hurt or harmed, or pretending to be sorry to ensure no one knows their truth.
14. There is no such thing as boundaries.
Boundaries don’t apply to them. Want to get to know them before committing? Nonsense. They’ll push to be exclusive. Tell them you’re afraid of heights and they will push you to go skydiving. Explain you don’t like smoking and they’ll light up in front of you. Leave them alone in your apartment and every secret available will be discovered and ultimately used against you.
15. They have a cognitive inability to empathize.
Think about this for a moment. They cannot relate, they cannot care, they cannot feel anything but a selfish desire for narcissistic supply which can be provided by seeing you in pain.
Example: They cheat on you and when you cry, they accuse you of “desperately looking for attention,” and explain your sensitivity was one of the reasons they strayed because it was so “needy.” #TrueStory
16. They’re innately abusive.
They may or may not be physical (and if they are, leave — a person who hits once will hit you again), but the very way narcissists communicate with and attempt to control others will often fall under the guidelines of verbal, mental, and emotional abuse.
They’ll trivialize, discount, condemn, demean, devalue, withhold, accuse blame, and discard their partners without a moment’s notice, and often.
17. They project.
One of the worst things about being with a narcissist is that they spew so much venom onto you that you begin to think they’re on to something. How could someone who professed their undying love and respect so profoundly, suddenly, pull away and attack you?
You must have done something, right? Wrong. Deep down, narcissists are dealing with their own pain and feelings of inadequacy, and when they “lose it” they’re really screaming all their self-hate in your direction.
18. They can be brutally honest.
There are times when a narcissist will say things like, “I will hurt you,” or “You shouldn’t ever come back to me,” and the partner will often come and smother them with love, forgiveness, and all the delicious supply they crave.
I’m not a doctor, but it seems to me that this kind of supply is a super-drug — it reinforces the fact that the narcissist is so special that they can treat their partner as badly as they want to, tell them they know it, and the partner will still come back.
19. They don’t change.
Study after study states that there is no “cure” for narcissism. They may learn how to interact better, but that will take years of therapy and you’ll never really have the connection you think you have, want, or deserve.
No matter what they say, do, promise, or confess, they’ll always be in it for supply. If you’re not hearing from them, they’ve found it elsewhere. If they’re back, someone saw through them and they’re sweet talking the dealer.
20. They re-live your relationship with someone else.
When they move on, nothing is sacred. They’ll literally replace you down to nicknames, wedding venues and vacation spots. They will do this not only because they have no conscience, but because they want you to feel terrible. They get supply out of you feeling bad about these things. Don’t buy into the lie. They are the same person they’ve always been, with a new victim who, unfortunately, will go through all the things you went through, until they realize who they’re really dealing with. The narcissist will then suck someone else into their dreary groundhog day existence. You, however, will have moved on and find that it’s no coincidence that the farther they are, the happier, stronger and more successful you’ll become.
What Is A Sociopath, >click here
Do narcissists ever realize or feel guilt over what they have done to their victims?
The consensus is that they do not feel guilt. Read on for the reasons: The narcissist has a diminished capacity to empathize so he rarely feels sorry for what he does. He almost never puts himself in the shoes of his “victims”. Actually, he doesn’t regards them as victims at all! It is very common for the narcissist to feel victimized, deprived and discriminated against. He projects his own moods, cognition, emotions, and actions onto others. None whatsoever. It’s a brutal and simple as that. If they seem to feel remorse, they are faking it and doing it to manipulate you because they can get more narcissistic supply from you. I they seem “too inhuman”, you will leave but every now and then, they pretend to keep you along for the horror ride. Given the fact that they are out of touch with reality-they never realize what they have done to their victims .And since they can not tell fact from fiction , they figure whatever happened to you must be your own fault.The world of the narcissist is pure fantasyland.Guilt;accepting blame, or “I’m sorry” is not in their vocabulary. Not without professional counseling.
No they don’t. Even with professional counseling, they will at best agree that they did something wrong. Their lack guilt can anger their victims to the point of behaving in ways they would never have thought before, thus making the victim look worse than the Narcissist himself/herself.
All About Sociopaths, such as can a sociopath be good?…, click here
Qualities of a Sociopath
Someone who is described as a sociopath will have several traits that set them apart from those with no personality disorders. These traits include the following…
• Lack of empathy – Inability to feel sympathy for others or to understand the emotional consequences of their actions
• Cold, calculating nature – The ability and willingness to use others around them to personal gain
• Shallow emotions – Lack of real emotion in response to events, limited capacity to feel love
• Narcissism – A personality disorder in itself in which the individual feels strong love and admiration toward themselves (often a defense mechanism against deep seated low esteem)
• Grandiose self image – They might see themselves as someone who is superior to others and sometimes even experiences delusions.
• Charming – While the sociopath is unable to fully understand the emotions of others, they are capable but rather highly adept at mimicking them and might appear to be charming and normal at first
• High IQ – Often sociopaths will exhibit a high IQ which they can use to manipulate and plan
• Manipulative – Sociopaths use their superficial charm and IQ to manipulate others to get their ends, and their lack of empathy allows them to do this with no sense of guilt or remorse
• Secretive – Has little need for others and is highly secretive in their actions meaning
• Sexually deviant – The lack of remorse, guilt or emotional attachments means that the sociopath is happy to have affairs and to engage in questionable sexual activity without questioning their desires
• Sensitive to criticism – That said, like all narcissists, the sociopath will desire the approval of others and will be highly sensitive to criticisms. They often feel they deserve adulation and admiration.
• Paranoid – Often their lack of understanding of emotion along with their incongruous self view means that they feel a lack of trust and paranoia.
• Despotic/Authoritarian – Often the sociopath will see themselves as a necessary authority and will be in favor or totalitarian rule
• Lawfulness – Despite popular belief, a sociopath is not likely to be a problem to the law in later life, but rather will seek to find loopholes, to rise to a position of power.
• Low tolerance for boredom – Sociopaths require constant stimulation and get quickly bored
• Impulsive behavior – A lack of regret and empathy makes sociopaths more likely to make sudden rash decisions based on the current facts
• Compulsive lying – As part of their facade, and as a means to an end, sociopaths are compulsive liars and will rarely speak truthfully making them hard to pin down
• The MacDonald Triad – In childhood sociopaths will likely have demonstrated the ‘MacDonald Triad’ also known as the ‘Triad of Sociopathy’, traits that often are demonstrated in sociopaths from a young age. These include animal cruelty (pulling the wings off of flies etc, bed wetting, and pyromania (an obsession with fire setting)(they might be sexually abusive)
Sociopaths of course vary in their symptoms and might act differently in different cases. However their main trait is presenting themselves as having the same empathy feelings and emotions as others when in fact they lack this emotional capacity. They are thus cold and manipulative and rarely see any problem with their actions.
Profile of a Sociopath
A sociopath is likely to have been a ‘problem child’ and exhibited difficult behavior when younger. As they grow older they are likely to be highly successful which is a result of their willingness to get one over on their competition and colleagues, a desire and belief in success, and lack of risk aversion. Thus they are likely to be found in positions as stock brokers, as CEOs or even as politicians. Many despotic rulers such as Gaddafi could be described as sociopaths.
Alternatively a sociopath might be likely to live on the fringes of society having little interest in people. They could be seen as eccentric and will most likely be independently wealthy. In other words they will either conquer the system or avoid it entirely. They will of course have few close friends and are more likely to make contacts with those they can use, or those they see as equals and that they can admire. They will tend to be cold and manipulative in relationships and potentially emotionally abusive though this might not necessarily be purposefully vindictive.
In all cases though the psychopath will appear highly intelligent, charming and charismatic to talk to and it is only careful guardedness that can uncover their true motivations.
Differences Between Sociopaths and Psychopaths
There is little agreed difference between sociopathy and psychopathy, but some psychologists agree that psychopaths are more calculating and measured in their actions. The psychopath will be more likely to construct a complex scheme or plan and to carry it out, whereas the sociopath is more driven by impulsivity. This makes the psychopath more likely to commit crimes and generally the term psychopath is used more generally to describe the criminally insane rather than just the lack of empathy.
A sociopath can be defined as a person who has Antisocial Personality Disorder. This disorder is characterized by a disregard for the feelings of others, a lack of remorse or shame, manipulative behavior, unchecked egocentricity, and the ability to lie in order to achieve one’s goals. Sociopaths can be dangerous at worst or simply very difficult to deal with, and it’s important to know if you’ve found yourself with a sociopath, whether it’s someone you’re dating or an impossible coworker.
Inside the Mind of a Sociopath
This excerpt is from: “The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless vs. the Rest of Us” by Martha Stout Ph.D. (Broadway Books, New York, 2005, ISBN 0-7679-1581-X). Martha Stout is a clinical instructor at Harvard Medical School and elaborates on the tales of ruthlessness in everyday life based on her 25 years of practice as a specialist in the treatment of psychological trauma survivors.
Imagine – if you can – not having a conscience, none at all, no feelings of guilt or remorse no matter what you do, no limiting sense of concern of the well-being of strangers, friends, or even family members. Imagine no struggles with shame, not a single one in your whole life, no matter what kind of selfish, lazy, harmful, or immoral action you had taken. And pretend that the concept of responsibility is unknown to you, except as a burden others seem to accept without question, like gullible fools. Now add to this strange fantasy the ability to conceal from other people that your psychological makeup is radically different from theirs. Since everyone simply assumes that conscience is universal among human beings, hiding the fact that you are conscience-free is nearly effortless. You are not held back from any of your desires by guilt or shame, and you are never confronted by others for your cold-bloodedness. The ice water in your veins is so bizarre, so completely outside of their personal experience that they seldom even guess at your condition.
In other words, you are completely free of internal restraints, and your unhampered liberty to do just as you please, with no pangs of conscience, is conveniently invisible to the world. You can do anything at all, and still your strange advantage over the majority of people, who are kept in line by their consciences, will most likely remain undiscovered.
How will you live your life? What will you do with your huge and secret advantage, and with the corresponding handicap of other people (conscience)? The answer will depend largely on just what your desires happen to be, because people are not all the same. Even the profoundly unscrupulous are not all the same. Some people – whether they have a conscience or not – favor the ease of inertia, while others are filled with dreams and wild ambitions. Some human beings are brilliant and talented, some are dull-witted, and most, conscience or not, are somewhere in between. There are violent people and non-violent ones, individuals who are motivated by blood lust and those who have no such appetites.
Maybe you are someone who craves money and power, and though you have no vestige of conscience, you do have a magnificent IQ. You have the driving nature and the intellectual capacity to pursue tremendous wealth and influence, and you are in no way moved by the nagging voice of conscience that prevents other people from doing everything and anything they have to do to succeed. You choose business, politics, the law, banking or international development, or any of a broad array of other power professions, and you pursue your career with a cold passion that tolerates none of the usual moral or legal encumbrances. When it is expedient, you doctor the accounting and shred the evidence, you stab your employees and your clients (or your constituency) in the back, marry for money, tell lethal premeditated lies to people who trust you, attempt to ruin colleagues who are powerful or eloquent, and simply steamroll over groups who are dependent and voiceless. And all of this you do with the exquisite freedom that results from having no conscience whatsoever.
You become unimaginably, unassailably, and maybe even globally successful. Why not? With your big brain, and no conscience to rein in your schemes, you can do anything at all.
Or no – let us say you are not quite such a person. You are ambitious, yes, and in the name of success you are willing to do all manner of things that people with conscience would never consider, but you are not an intellectually gifted individual. Your intelligence is above average perhaps, and people think of you as smart, maybe even very smart. But you know in your heart of hearts that you do not have the cognitive wherewithal, or the creativity, to reach the careening heights of power you secretly dreams about, and this makes you resentful of the world at large, and envious of the people around you.
As this sort of person, you ensconce yourself in a niche, or maybe a series of niches, in which you can have some amount of control over small numbers of people. These situations satisfy a little of your desire for power, although you are chronically aggravated at not having more. It chafes to be so free of the ridiculous inner voices that inhibit others from achieving great power, without having enough talent to pursue the ultimate successes yourself. Sometimes you fall into sulky, rageful moods caused by a frustration that no one but you understands.
But you do enjoy jobs that afford you a certain undersupervised control over a few individuals or small groups, preferably people and groups who are relatively helpless or in some way vulnerable. You are a teacher or a psychotherapist, a divorce lawyer or a high school coach. Or maybe you are a consultant of some kind, a broker or a gallery owner or a human services director. Or maybe you do not have a paid position and are instead the president of your condominium association, or a volunteer hospital worker, or a parent. Whatever your job, you manipulate and bully the people who are under your thumb, as often and as outrageously as you can without getting fired or held accountable. You do this for its own sake, even when it serves no purpose except to give you a thrill. Making people jump means you have power – or this is the way you see it – and bullying provides you with an adrenaline rush. It is fun.
Maybe you cannot be a CEO of a multinational corporation, but you can frighten a few people, or cause them to scurry around like chickens, or steal from them, or – maybe, best of all – create situations that cause them to feel bad about themselves. And this is power, especially when the people you manipulate are superior to you in some way. Most invigorating of all is to bring down people who are smarter or more accomplished than you, or perhaps classier, more attractive or popular or morally admirable. This is not only good fun; it is existential vengeance. And without a conscience, it is amazingly easy to do. You quietly lie to the boss or to the boss’s boss, cry some crocodile tears, or sabotage a coworker’s project, or gaslight a patient (or child), bait people with promises, or provide a little misinformation that will never be traced back to you.
Or now let us say you are a person who has a proclivity for violence or for seeing violence done. You simply murder your coworker, or have her murdered – or your boss, or your ex-spouse, or your wealthy lover’s spouse, or anyone else who bothers you. You have to be careful, because if you slip up, you may be caught and punished by the system. But you will never be confronted by your conscience, because you have no conscience. If you decide to kill, the only difficulties will be the external ones. Nothing inside you will ever protest.
Provided you are not forcibly stopped, you can do anything at all. If you are born at the right time, with some access to family fortune, and you have a special talent for whipping up other people’s hatred and sense of deprivation, you can arrange to kill large numbers of unsuspecting people. With enough money, you can accomplish this from far away, and you can sit back safely and watch in satisfaction. In fact, terrorism (done from a distance) is the ideal occupation for a person who is possessed of blood lust and no conscience, because if you do it just right, you may be able to make a whole nation jump. And if that is not power, what is?
Or let us imagine the opposite extreme: You have no interest in power. To the contrary, you are the sort of person who really does not want much of anything. Your only real ambition is not to have to exert yourself to get by. You do not want to work like everyone else does. Without a conscience, you can nap or pursue your hobbies or watch television or just hang out somewhere all day long. Living a bit on the fringes, and with some handouts from relatives and friends, you can do this indefinitely. People may whisper to one another that you are an underachiever, or that you are depressed, a sad case, or, in contrast, if they get angry, they may grumble that you are lazy. When they get to know you better, and get really angry, they may scream at you and call you a loser, a bum. But it will never occur to them that you literally do not have a conscience, that in such a fundamental way, your very mind is not the same as theirs.
The panicked feeling of a guilty conscience never squeezes at your heart or wakes you in the night. Despite your lifestyle, you never feel irresponsible, neglectful or so much as embarrassed, although for the sake of appearances, sometimes you pretend that you do. For example, if you are a decent observer of people and what they react to, you may adopt a lifeless facial expression, say how ashamed of your life you are, and talk about how rotten you feel. This you do only because it is more convenient to have people think you are depressed than it is to have them shouting at you all the time, or insisting that you get a job.
You notice that people who do have a conscience feel guilty when they harangue someone they believe to be “depressed” or “troubled.” As a matter of fact, to you further advantage, they often feel obliged to take care of such a person. If, despite your relative poverty, you can manage to get yourself into a sexual relationship with someone, this person – who does not suspect what you are really like – may feel particularly obligated. And since all you want is not to have to work, your financier does not have to be especially rich, just relatively conscience-bound.
I trust that imagining yourself as any of these people feels insane to you, because such people are insane, dangerously so. Insane but real – they even have a label. Many mental health professionals refer to the condition of little or no conscience as “anti-social personality disorder,” a non-correctable disfigurement of character that is now thought to be present in about 4 percent of the population – that is to say, one in twenty-five people. This condition of missing conscience is called by other names, too, most often “sociopathy,” or the somewhat more familiar term psychopathy. Guiltlessness was in fact the first personality disorder to be recognized by psychiatry, and terms that have been used at times over the past century include manie sans délire, psychopathic inferiority, moral insanity, and moral imbecility.
Are narcissists violent?
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Pathological narcissism is a spectrum of disorders. People suffering from the full blown, all-pervasive, personality distorting mental health disorder known as the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) – are, indeed, more prone to violence than others. Actually, the differential diagnosis (=the difference) between NPD and AsPD (Antisocial PD, psychopaths) is very blurred. Most psychopaths have narcissistic traits and many a narcissist are also sadists. Both types are devoid of empathy, remorseless, ruthless, and relentless in their pursuit of their goals (the narcissist’s goal is narcissistic supply or the avoidance of narcissistic injury). Narcissists often use verbal and psychological abuse and violence against those closest to them. Some of them move from abstract aggression (the emotion leading to violence and permeating it) to the physically concrete sphere of violence. More about narcissistic rage here – The Iron Mask: Many narcissists are also paranoid and vindictive. They aim to punish (by tormenting) and destroy the source of their frustration and pain. Basically, there are only two ways of coping with vindictive narcissists: 1. To Frighten Them Narcissists live in a state of constant rage, repressed aggression, envy and hatred. They firmly believe that everyone is like them. As a result, they are paranoid, suspicious, scared and erratic. Frightening the narcissist is a powerful behaviour modification tool. If sufficiently deterred � the narcissist promptly disengages, gives up everything he was fighting for and sometimes make amends. To act effectively, one has to identify the vulnerabilities and susceptibilities of the narcissist and strike repeated, escalating blows at them � until the narcissist lets go and vanishes. Example: If a narcissist is hiding a personal fact � one should use this to threaten him. One should drop cryptic hints that there are mysterious witnesses to the events and recently revealed evidence. The narcissist has a very vivid imagination. Let his imagination do the rest. The narcissist may have been involved in tax evasion, in malpractice, in child abuse, in infidelity � there are so many possibilities, which offer a rich vein of attack. If done cleverly, non-committally, gradually, in an escalating manner � the narcissist crumbles, disengages and disappears. He lowers his profile thoroughly in the hope of avoiding hurt and pain. Most narcissists have been known to disown and abandon a whole PNS (pathological narcissistic space) in response to a well-focused campaign by their victims. Thus, a narcissist may leave town, change a job, desert a field of professional interest, avoid friends and acquaintances � only to secure a cessation of the unrelenting pressure exerted on him by his victims. I repeat: most of the drama takes place in the paranoid mind of the narcissist. His imagination runs amok. He finds himself snarled by horrifying scenarios, pursued by the vilest “certainties”. The narcissist is his own worst persecutor and prosecutor. You don’t have to do much except utter a vague reference, make an ominous allusion, delineate a possible turn of events. The narcissist will do the rest for you. He is like a little child in the dark, generating the very monsters that paralyse him with fear. Needless to add that all these activities have to be pursued legally, preferably through the good services of law offices and in broad daylight. If done in the wrong way � they might constitute extortion or blackmail, harassment and a host of other criminal offences. 2. To Lure Them The other way to neutralize a vindictive narcissist is to offer him continued narcissistic supply until the war is over and won by you. Dazzled by the drug of narcissistic supply � the narcissist immediately becomes tamed, forgets his vindictiveness and triumphantly takes over his “property” and “territory”. Under the influence of narcissistic supply, the narcissist is unable to tell when he is being manipulated. He is blind, dumb and deaf to all but the song of the NS sirens. You can make a narcissist do ANYTHING by offering, withholding, or threatening to withhold narcissistic supply (adulation, admiration, attention, sex, awe, subservience, etc.). “Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited” Lidija Rangelovska Narcissus Publications